The Legend of Zelda: OoT The Messed Up Version!
by Green Eyed Gerudo
Summary: A humorous retelling of Ocarina of Time, except with my favorite fairy, Tael from Majora's Mask and many random characters...and Link is really slow... Bear in mind this isn't meant to be taken seriously. Story gets better as it goes along. On HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OOT:**

**THE MOST MESSED UP VERSION EVER!**

**Navi soared through the forest, having been called upon.**

**Navi: Yes Deku Tree???**

**Deku Tree (reading PlayBoy): Oh! Um, hi Navi… *hides magazine* I was just, uh…studying…yeah, studying! I was reading about the legendary goddesses…**

**Navi: It seemed to me that you were reading a very inappropriate magazine…**

**DT: Inappropriate magazine…nonsense! I was studying! You see? *Pulls out a textbook* See that?**

**Navi: Whatever! Anyway, what did you invite me over here for? **

**DT: Actually, I wanted to invite you to a long game of poker! *Puts on a visor and pulls out a bunch of rupees* How much do you got, Puny Fairy? MUAHAHAHA!**

**Navi (pulling out a sheet of paper): That's not in the script!**

**DT:*Looking embarrassed* Oh, Hehe…*hides everything* Hold on…*pulls out a sheet of paper* Okay, here we go! Luke, I am your father!**

**Luke (on a far away island): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**

**Navi: SHHHH! Quiet up! Star Wars might sue us, you imbecile! **

**DT: What? That's not right, either? *pulls out a new sheet* Here we go then. Let's see…three golden goddesses, blah, blah, blah…oh okay! Here we are! Navi, go seek the boy without a fairy.**

**Navi: Okay, I'm on it!**

**DT: Oh Navi, may I warn you…he's a bit slow.**

**Navi: Nothing I can't handle!**

**Navi zooms over to Link's house.**

**Navi: *Spotting Link on the bed* Link…Link? Get up! Can Hyrule depend on such a lazy kid?!**

**Link falls out of bed, getting tangled in his sheets. He pulls out a tennis racket. ****Link: Ah! A bug! Stay back, you!**

**Link is terrified of bugs.**

**Navi: No, I'm not a bug! I'm your new fairy! AHHH! Help!!!!!**

**Link swats at her with the tennis racket, and she bursts into pixie dust.**

**Director: You idiot! Now we'll have to call her stunt double, Tatl. **

**Link: What? But why, Sir?**

**Director: Because you destroyed her! And we can't have this game published without a fairy!**

**Link: But she wasn't a real fairy…**

**Director: Link, in your contract you agreed to work with bugs as apart of the inside of Deku Tree, remember? You must get over this fear! And besides, Navi was definitely real. She had excellent references!**

**Little did he know that Link was actually quite right. Navi was a big fat liar. First off, she wasn't really good. She was actually a moblin in disguise trying to lead Link to Ganondorf egged on. Also, blue wasn't her real fairy color!**

***** **

**Producer: Okay, now that we're finished with technical difficulties, the rest of the story should go pretty smoothly now…**

*******

**Link climbs down the ladder to his tree house / box. **

**Saria *Running up*: Hey Link! Oh, you got a fairy! Awesome!**

**Link: *Gaping* Who are you again?**

**Saria *Now looking highly affronted*: I'm only your best friend.**

**Link: Sure you can be! How many other girls are there in my fan club?**

**Navi (who's actually Tatl but the audience is not supposed to know that): You're such a dork.**

**DT: Ahh, Link. So you're here. And you brought Navi too!**

**Navi: No, I'm actually Tatl! They just put food coloring on me to make me look blue! You see?!**

**DT: The audience isn't supposed to know that, dummy!**

**DT whacks her with a vine, and she also bursts as well.**

*******

**Director (cussing in Japanese): Now we need Tael.**

*******

**DT (now finally sober): There is a virus inside my mouth…I need you to go in and destroy it.**

**Link: Ewww! Is it contagious?**

**DT (an evil grin): Absolutely not. *Opens up his mouth* Now climb right in.**

**Mido (out of nowhere): Dang it! I was sleeping on the job! *He picks Link up and throws him* **

*******

**Link finds himself back outside the DT meadow.**

**Mido: Go get a shield and sword, or you cannot pass.**

**Link thinks for a second, runs into his tree box, and turns on his N64. He gently lifts the left side of the cartridge and goes outside to see what happened. Everyone was frozen in place, twitching as well. Link happily made his way through Mido. He was angry to realize DT was frozen as well. **

**Link: Dang it! Tael, I mean…Navi! Go back and put the cartridge back down for me, then meet me back here, okay?**

**Tael cusses in fairy.**

*******

**After a long and tiring journey with Link, Tael finally managed to acquire the slingshot and get past all the obstacles himself. **

**Link: Tael, help!**

**Tael sighs.**

**Tael: You didn't piss yourself again, did you, Link?**

**Link: No! **

**Tael takes a breath of relief, having gone through enough of that that day.**

**Link: This time it's crap!**

**Tael faints.**

*******

**Link was terrified of the bugs. Tael promised Link he had destroyed every one.**

**Tael *relieved*: There's just three Deku Scrubs left that are asking for some type of code…I don't know what it is, but I think I may need your help.**

…

**Tael: And yes, there are no bugs!**

**Tael had just read Link's mind.**

*******

**Tael: Twenty-three is number one??**

**Deku Scrub #2: Yes!! 23 is number 1!! I demanded to Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto that it should be "13 is number 2", or "31 is number 2", but he said it didn't make any sense that way.**

**Deku Scrub #3: Exactly. Us Deku Scrubs don't get paid enough for this game to shoot our nuts at Link then have them ricochet back. **

**Tael *wincing*: You guys have to shoot your nuts??**

**Deku Scrub #1: Yes!! Come on, boys. Let's go on strike. **

**The Deku Scrubs leave their flowers and exit.**

**Tael *misunderstanding the concept of "shoot" and "nuts"*: Shoot your nuts?? That's gotta hurt.**

**They enter the next room, which is empty. **

 **Tael: Oh sweet!! There's nothing in here!! Hey, Link!! Let's get some rupees!! **

**Tael breaks the pots and gathers up the rupees that were inside. **

**Tael: Now we can leave. *Tael turns to see Link, who's shaking like a leaf* Huh?? Link??**

**Link: Um, Tael….I think I wet myself again.**

**Link points up at the ceiling. There is Gohma, a gigantic spider. She jumps down and slowly advances on them.**

**Tael takes out pepper spray and sprays her eye. She runs around like a maniac and is defeated quickly. A blue light and a heart container appear. **

**Tael: Link, I think we need to get you some diapers because you keep on wetting yourself.**

**Link: It "Depends" on what mood I'm in, Tael.**

**Link gets the heart container and they step into the blue light and leave.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 2 **

**After Link and Tael return to the Deku Tree's Meadow, the Great Deku Tree explains that Link must go meet the princess of destiny, Princess Zelda. He gives them the spiritual stone of the forest and then passes away (well, that's what they think. He actually passed out from too much alcohol).**

**Once they arrive at the castle, the princess turns around.**

 **Zelda: Who….who are you??**

**Link puts on a pair of emerald green pants, a green coat, and a matching green hat. He does a spin and puts shades on.**

**Link: I'm Hyrule's biggest pimp. This is my student.**

**Tael:……………….Nice to meet you………………………..**

**Zelda: A fairy!! Ah yes!! I knew you looked familiar. Do you have the spiritual stone of the forest??**

**Link: I've got two stones right here.**

**Link shows her. A censored sign appears. Zelda screams and Tael faints. The director, once again cussing in Japanese, runs up to Link and whispers something in his ear.**

**Link: Ah….that stone. Here.**

**Link shows her the correct stone.**

 **Zelda: My premonition was correct.**

**Link: Oh yeah!! I recognize you too!!**

 **Zelda: You do??**

 **Link: Why yes!! You're the stripper I had a dream about!! **

**Zelda *outraged*: YOU WHAT!!**

**The director runs up to Link again and whispers something different in his ear.**

**Link: Ohhh. Sorry. Wrong dream.**

**Zelda explains to them their destiny and sends them to find the stones.**

 **Link: Are you sure my stones I have now aren't enough for you??**

**Zelda runs to attack him, but the directors run up and hold her.**

**Link: Gosh. Excuuuuuuuuse me, princess!!**

*******

 **Tael and Link enter Dodongo's Cavern.**

**Link (singing): Into another mouth we goooooo!!!!!!!!**

**Tael: At least there aren't any bugs in here!!**

**Link: At least I saved a ton of money on my horse insurance by switching to Lizalfos!!**

**Tael:….Well at least the founders of Geico can't sue us.**

**Random guy from the Geico company: You are being sued.**

**Random guy from the Geico company (RGFTGC) hands Tael a notice.**

**Tael: Sued?? Why?? We said Lizalfos, not Geico. And we said horse insurance instead of car insurance.**

**RGFTGC: Well, our company was originally called Lizalfos Horse Insurance, but we thought we'd widen our marketing base by switching to Geico Car Insurance to cater to America to bring in money. Besides, you just said Geico, so that's double the reason to sue you.**

**Tael: Aw crap!!**

**They advance through the cavern and are soon face-to-face with King Dodongo. Tael sat back eating popcorn while he watched Link be chased around by King Dodongo. Link fell into the lava pit at least twenty times. **

 **Tael: Link, do as Darunia taught you and throw a bomb in his mouth while he's sucking in air!!**

**Link: I….can't….hey Tael, distract him!!**

**Tael: As you wish. *Tael flies in front of King Dodongo* Hey!! King Ding-Dong!!**

**King Dodongo glares in Tael's direction. **

 **Tael: Yeah!! Over here!! **

**King Dodongo snaps at Tael and turns directions and begins chasing Tael. Link picks up a bomb flower and runs in a circle toward the front of King Dodongo. Tael cowers under Link's hat and King Dodongo sucks in air, preparing for a fire blast. Link chucks the bomb flower with all his might, and King Dodongo swallows it and it blows up in his stomach. Link runs up and slashes at King Dodongo. This process is repeated two more times before the dodongo king is finally defeated.**

**Link: Tael!! I did it!! I did it!! Hooray!!**

**Tael: I'm surprised. I'm very proud of you, Link.**

**Tael and Link hug.****Tael: Wait a minute!! Enough Brokeback Mountain!!**

**Random Guy From Brokeback Mountain: You are being sued.**

**Tael: Aw crap!!**

*******

**The two are sucked into Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly.**

**Link (singing): INTO ANOTHER MOUTH WE GOOOOOO!!!!**

**The two advance on and meet Ruto. **

**Ruto yells at Link and Tael to leave her alone and then falls through a hole. Link acts retarded and falls through too. Tael flies. **

**Ruto: You care that much about me??**

 **Link: What?? We didn't even say anything!!**

**Ruto: Fine. Then I'll let you have the honor of carrying me around!!**

**Ruto sits down.**

**Link *sarcastically*: Oh joy. What an honor.**

**Link picks her up and throws her into a wall.**

**Ruto: YOU IGNORANT LITTLE #*#*&&$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

*******

**Technical difficulties….**

*******

**Ruto (huffing and puffing but trying to maintain a big smile): Link…. *huff, huff* Darling…. *huff, huff* Carry me nicely, please.**

**Link: Well why didn't you say so!! **

**Link picks Ruto up and aims her at the hole in the top of the ceiling.**

**Ruto: What are you doing??**

 **Link: Brace yourself!!**

**With all his might, Link throws Ruto at the hole. Ruto screams the whole way there but she makes it up safely and unharmed *cough, cough*.**

**Tael: Nice, man.**

**Link: Dang. Women!!**

*******

**The trio enters the room with the big Octorok.**

**Ruto: The stone!! Throw me up there!!**

**Link throws her up and Ruto grabs it. What should have happened never occurred. Rather than Ruto getting the stone then being sent up and then a big Octorok in her place in which Link had to fight then fight Barinade then receive the Zora's Sapphire in a different time and dimension, Tael zooms up to Ruto and snatches the sapphire and then hits Link upside the head for no apparent reason.**

*******

**When Link woke up, he was on the beach in the Great Bay, which was in Termina, in a different time and dimension. A blonde with blue eyes that looked freakishly like Zelda came up to Link in a bikini. **

**The blonde with blue eyes who looks freakishly like Zelda: Morning, sunshine.**

**Link: The stripper!!**

**Link whips out his pimp clothes out of nowhere.**

**TBWBEWLFLZ smiles and slowly starts to fade away. **

**Link (holding his arms out): Stripper!! Come back!! NO!! NO!! NOOO!!!!**

*******

**Link wakes up for real this time, in Hyrule Field. Apparently Tael had restored peace within Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly.**

**Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *Starts crying* Why, oh why??**

**Tael: Um….Link?? You okay??**

**Link: NO!! NO!! **

**Link slaps Tael, causing him to go flying.**

**Tael (holding out the stone): I got the spiritual stone of water for you Link!!**

**Link: NO!! NO!!**

**Link slaps Tael again and goes back to his crying.**

**Link: Why, oh why….Tael??**

**Tael:…………………………………………………………………**

**After Link's major PMS, the two headed out for Hyrule Castletown Market.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 3**

**When they come back, it starts raining for no apparent reason outside. The drawbridge lowers and Impa and Zelda come riding out on horseback. Zelda throws the Ocarina of Time into the moat surrounding Hyrule Castle. **

**Link: The stripper!!**

**Ganondorf, on his stallion, smiles evilly at Link.**

**Ganondorf: Where did the white horse run off to??**

**Link: NO!!**

**Link draws his sword.**

**Link: You will not have my stripper, pervert!!**

**Ganondorf: …………**

**Tael: ………….**

**Directors *gaping*: ……………………………**

**The director in charge runs up to Link and whispers some more stuff in his ear.**

 **Link: Ohhh. Okay.**

**Ganondorf: Ehem, anyway. Heh, heh, heh. You think you can protect her from me??**

**Link: No. I think I can protect her from your face.**

**Ganondorf: ………………………….**

**Tael: …………………………..**

**Directors: ………………………………………..**

**Ganondorf shrugs and throws one of his balls at him *everyone winces*. Ehem, let's rephrase that.**

 **Ganondorf shrugs and throws an energy ball at him.**

*******

**Tael: Link!! Is that….THE MASTER SWORD!!**

**Link walks up to the sword.**

 **Tael: It is passed down, legends, about this sacred, powerful sword. Only the true Hero Of Time can pull it out of the alter in which it lies now. **

**Link: So if I pull it out….**

**Tael: Then you're the Hero Of Time.**

**Link: Hero Of Time sounds like a gay name….but my initials would be HOT. Oh sweet!! I must pull out this sword!!**

**Link makes a mad dash toward the sword and begins yanking and pulling it. After a few seconds he sits down breathlessly.**

**Tael: You're pulling from the wrong side!!**

**Link: Oh. Right. **

**Link goes to the correct side and the Master Sword slips out real smooth. **

**Ganondorf is visible. **

**Ganondorf: Heh, heh, heh. Thanks, kid. You have helped me get the Triforce. **

 **Tael: Oh no.**

**A random guy from The Sword and the Stone: You are being sued.**

**Tael: Aw crap!!**

*******

**Link woke up in the Chamber of Sages.**

**He sees Rauru reading the latest issue of Playboy. When Rauru sees him, he embarrassingly slips it into his pocket.**

**Rauru: Um….right. Awaken, Link.**

**Link: Hey. Where did the stripper go??**

**Rauru goes into a long and boring speech about Link's destiny.**

**Rauru: Do you understand your destiny, Link??**

**Link: Of course. ****To save the stripper.**

***

**Link awakens back in the Temple Of Time. **

**Tael: Hey, Link!!**

**Tael flutters to him.**

**Link: Yo Tael, my man!!**

**Link slaps Tael a high-five, causing Tael to fall to the ground, seeing as little as he is compared to Link's hand. He gets back up.**

**Tael: It's been seven years. Ganondorf has taken over the land of Hyrule. The place is a total dump. We let Ganondorf get the Triforce. **

**Sheik appears.**

**Link: AHH!! WHAT IS IT??**

 **Sheik: Do not be frightened. Let's see. *Pulls out cue cards* Six temples, six sages, blah….just go awaken six sages. The first in the forest, the second in the mountains, the third in the lake, then fourth in Kakariko Village, and then fifth in the desert, blah.**

**Sheik disappears.**

**Link: Off we go, Tael. Into an epic journey to find the stri……I mean, the sages!!**


End file.
